Morning Reflection: Who are you angry with?

Why I can’t let it go.

I had a revelation today, that answered a question I have been struggling with for a long time. Specifically, why do I remain angry at certain people in my life, and why can’t I let it go and move on?

I know that holding on to anger affects me negatively, and I try my best between meditation and life changes to release these feelings, but some stubbornly remain.

When I view anger at someone else through the lens of my 6 human needs, I find that it meets at least 3 of those needs. In being angry, I achieve my significance need by looking at the way I was treated, and feeling like a victim. But in addition, and this only came to me this weekend while teaching a class of 14 year olds who said that they struggle with forgiveness, I’ve realized that being angry at someone allows me to continue a relationship that for some reason I would like to perpetuate, even if the relationship was in some ways painful.

And further, I’ve realized that by being angry, it allows me to control the parameters of the ongoing relationship in a way that probably prevents me from being hurt again, which is a form of certainty.

So by not forgiving someone, I am able to supply my needs of certainty, significance and connection. It is said that any action that meets three of our needs will become an addiction if we do not take steps to control it.

So if I am to learn to more effectively forgive, I must learn to become self sufficient in my own needs.

And that is so much harder than I thought possible.

Who are you angry with?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: The Antidote to Anger

Anger is heroin to the selfish soul.

As a young man, I was filled with anger, rage, fury and vengeance. In painful circumstances beyond my control where I felt powerless, my response was to dwell in the negative side of me, pushing it to grow stronger, become more, until it was enough to protect me.

I was able to control it, but it took effort, sometimes great effort. I learned control, but at a painful cost. In my struggle to control anger, I learned to suppress all emotion, both good and bad.

As I grew older, I realized that anger blinds us to our mind’s eye of reason. Anger is an isolating emotion, allowing us the luxury of demonizing and dehumanizing the ‘enemy’ before us, never forcing us to examine our own conduct.

Anger is the worst drug I know, because in it we lose contact with our highest, most compassionate self, and instead dwell in the darkness of our ego. Instead of compassion, we substitute judgment, instead of kindness there is derision, instead of grace, there is gloating. Anger makes us feel ‘justified’, while never forcing us to justify ourselves.

To replace anger with kindness, I have found that I have to let go of my sense of self, and instead follow the example of many spiritual teachers who embraced sacrifice over their own needs, who were willing to endure pain and hardship for the sake of others.

The antidote to anger is found in our empathy for everyone who crosses our path. Empathy is the causeway to compassion, service the ‘straight-way’ to selflessness, and love the pathway to peace.

I try to choose service over selfishness, and it has made a significant difference in my life.

But I am still learning.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc