Morning Reflection: Are you addicted to this?

Are you addicted to this?

As I look around in the world, I see more and more people suffering from addictions. Some are addicted to drugs, both prescription and illegal; some are addicted to status with their brand labels and designer tags; some are addicted to their electronic worlds which provide endless distraction often at the expense of value.

But most of all, I see addiction to certainty.

People like certainty. It provides a buffer against the chaos of the universe, but it also provides protection against possibilities. The possibility of being wrong, the possibility of being hurt, the possibility that things are not as you believe them to be.

We like certainty because it feels good. Calming. Comfortable. Controlled.

But certainty addiction can also create blockages on the pathway to peace. Being unwilling to let go of a certainty, and embrace possibility, is often the greatest blockage to truth. Truths that are now accepted were once taken as heresy. Things we are certain of today will eventually be shown to be wrong.

I invite you to become comfortable with uncertainty. Know less, listen more. Only with an open mind, and a heart willing to listen, can you progress beyond where you are at.

This does not mean that you have to change who you are. Rather, be willing to listen to an opposing point of view with honest sincerity; be willing to examine your own views before trying to break down those of another.

Above all, be willing to give up your certainty about who you are, and instead embrace who you can become. When you learn to identify with principles rather than labels, your life and service will change.

Trees survive the storm, because they are rooted but flexible. Certainty is stiffness, being willing to trust and become comfortable with uncertainty is flexibility.

Flexibility is growth, and growth is peace.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Who are you angry with?

Why I can’t let it go.

I had a revelation today, that answered a question I have been struggling with for a long time. Specifically, why do I remain angry at certain people in my life, and why can’t I let it go and move on?

I know that holding on to anger affects me negatively, and I try my best between meditation and life changes to release these feelings, but some stubbornly remain.

When I view anger at someone else through the lens of my 6 human needs, I find that it meets at least 3 of those needs. In being angry, I achieve my significance need by looking at the way I was treated, and feeling like a victim. But in addition, and this only came to me this weekend while teaching a class of 14 year olds who said that they struggle with forgiveness, I’ve realized that being angry at someone allows me to continue a relationship that for some reason I would like to perpetuate, even if the relationship was in some ways painful.

And further, I’ve realized that by being angry, it allows me to control the parameters of the ongoing relationship in a way that probably prevents me from being hurt again, which is a form of certainty.

So by not forgiving someone, I am able to supply my needs of certainty, significance and connection. It is said that any action that meets three of our needs will become an addiction if we do not take steps to control it.

So if I am to learn to more effectively forgive, I must learn to become self sufficient in my own needs.

And that is so much harder than I thought possible.

Who are you angry with?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Balance, Certainty, Actuality

A troubled peace besets my soul.

As I explore my addiction to binaryism (thinking in terms of black and white), I come again and again to the realization that rarely is any situation truly a ‘win’ or a ‘loss’.

Life, it seems, is dependent more upon our interpretation of the experiences that make up existence, rather than the event that we enveloped in at the current moment.

In contemplation, I realize at a deeper, more complex level, that binaryism is both a blessing and a curse.

When working for me, it allows me to find joy in situations that may not be without imperfections, but I am able to overlook those imperfections and find peace and hope.

When working against me, binaryism steals from me the peace, joy and happiness that should prevail in a situation that is not without flaws, but which is generally in my favor.

Any addiction is a response to pain, so I try to understand why I am so addicted to this ‘black and white’ thinking. I arrive at the conclusion that I think this way because it allows me to achieve certainty, one of the 6 human needs. Coming from a dysfunctional and difficult childhood which was full of uncertainty, my certainty craving is a pathological protection, simultaneously serving me, and yet wounding me.

Certainty, it seems, is my addiction in the face of a deficit of faith, hope, connection and peace.

Life is about achieving balance during the storms, accepting both light and dark, in a overarching comfort that allows us to just exist in the moment, taking joy from all that is.

Yet I find balance elusive, and cling to certainty as my antidote, when in actuality, it is an addiction.

Why can I not just be?

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc