Morning Reflection: Giving yourself permission to let go.

Giving yourself permission to let go.

Humanity comes with a price – awareness, sentience, choice. Each of us holds that precious balance between what we could do, and what we choose to do. Often we have our own set of rules, that we have adopted from that which we have observed, and that which we have decided for ourselves.

In short, we have a definition of ourselves that dictates who we are, how we behave, and often even how we feel.

But sometimes, these self-rules prevent us from acting in our own self interests, especially when it comes to letting go of old self-beliefs.

When I am coaching with someone, and they use the phrase “I am” followed by a definition, I will often explore with them that definition, so that they may come to a greater knowledge of themselves.

You would be surprised the number of times that we find out that a self definition, especially one that is preventing progress, was created after a painful interaction with a parent, a spouse or a friend. These definitions can create pain, heartache and sadness for many years, even if that definition has no basis in reality.

An example would be the woman who thinks she is overweight, because a well meaning but poorly executing parent tells her that she needs to lose “just a few pounds’. Another example would be a man who was told as a teenager that he would ‘always be a problem’ and has adopted that belief into his soul and so acts accordingly.

Or maybe it’s the parent who is blinded by their expectation of what “should be” and who instead misses out on all that they actually do have with their children.

If, in your self-reflection, you find that you have some of these difficult self definitions, I invite you today to question them, and see if this is something that you can let go.

Letting go does not make you a bad person, nor does it make you ungrateful to a person who may have been trying to help.

It simply means that you are using your sentience, your awareness and your power to choose to determine your own future, and travel down your own pathway in the way that you feel best reflects the truth of your being.

If all you are waiting for is permission to become who you know you really are, then this is your permission slip.

Be kind, know yourself and become.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: How do you balance gratitude

How do you balance gratitude?

Yesterday morning I stepped outside to get the mail. It was a beautiful morning, and although it was cold, the sun shone brightly and the world seemed at peace.

I have read enough history to know that in the history of the entire human race, I am very blessed. To be where I am, at this time, in this place, in my circumstances…a large percentage of humanity that has ever existed would consider me very fortunate, and trade places with me in a moment.

Yet I find that I struggle with gratitude, because there is in my core an ambition growling that nothing I have achieved is even remotely enough. I’m not sure what “enough” would be, but I know I don’t feel that I am even close to being there.

And I realize that I am ungrateful, and I struggle to change.

I seek to find a balance, some internal awareness that can be thankful, and at that moment allow myself to find joy in where I am at, yet still maintain a desire to become more.

I have come so very far from where I started, both in life and in geography. I have, in most aspects, eclipsed the probable outcomes of my birth.

I have been helped along the way, of that there is no question, but I question the level of gratitude I feel regarding that help. I think that, in some way, being grateful for help is linked in my mind to not being enough, that I am ashamed for having needed help, that I was insufficient.

Even writing these words I see the inconstancy behind them, but who ever said that we, as humans, are paragons of consistency? It may be said of us that our constant inconsistency is what separates us from machines.

So today, I ask of you, how do you balance gratitude with ambition? Does gratitude come easily to you, or do you, like me, recognize that you have very far to go in reaching a grateful state of being?

I would welcome your thoughts today. Your wisdom could help my struggle.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: How do you know when it’s time to walk away?

How do you know when it’s time to walk away?

Have you ever had to walk away from someone? Unfortunately, this happens to most of us at some point in our lives. We have the misfortune to find someone who is so toxic to us that there is no middle ground, no way to breach the gulf between us.

No matter how hard we try, there is no explanation that will magically unlock their understanding, and bring into balance the interactions between us.

It may be due to their extreme emotional needs, or a wound to their self image that has never healed, or it may just be that their understanding of how the world works is so fundamentally different from our own that for our emotional self protection we have to disengage and depart.

Often we will feel some measure of guilt for this. That is natural, especially if you are the kind of person who tries very hard to be compassionate to the feelings of others.

But sometimes, you just have to walk away. From the person, from the drama, from the emotional battery that accompanies their presence in your life.

Walking away does not make you a bad person. When you have honestly tried, and there is still no balance that works for you, then you have the right to protect yourself.

Too often, in an attempt to try to heal a previous relationship, we persist in a current one far too long, hoping at a deep subconscious level that we can somehow put right what once went wrong.

When the time comes, the kindest thing you can do is just walk away. For you, for them, a clean break is often the best. Give yourself time to mourn the loss of what you hoped this could be, but don’t spend your time dwelling on the past.

You only have a finite time here, so use the time that you have in the best way possible.

Be kind to yourself, and find the balance that allows you to be kind to others.

And you can find peace.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: What do you do when you are out of balance?

What do you do when you are out of balance?

This week has been tough for me, in that I have had so many competing concerns that I don’t really feel like I’ve given proper attention to anything, except writing my reflections.

But even that has been challenging, as I have struggled to find the right words, sometimes even the right topics for each day. I have probably spent more time staring at the screen in frustration than actually writing, and more time writing reflections that I have eventually erased than I have working on the ones that have made it onto the page.

As I reflect on the truth of my life right now, I find that I am out of balance. My meditation practice this week has been neglected, my personal development has been less focused, and my spiritual life has been given less priority than it should.

In short, I have spent too much time on meeting demands instead of nourishing my dreams, and far too much time focused on my fears, instead of strengthening my foundation.

I constantly struggle with putting my needs before the needs of others. Do you do this?

Partly this is out of a desire to serve, to make a difference. Partly this is out of fear that if I stop giving to others, I will lose those connections as I will no longer be of any worth to them.

But mostly, it is because somewhere in my childhood I generated the belief that I am not important, and that I only have worth when giving to others.

And that belief leads to a loss of balance.

While the needs of others are important, I have to realize that I too am worthy of my compassion, my concern and my caring.

Caring for others, out of a misguided belief that I have little to no worth, hinders my ability to enlarge my soul and progress into the person I am trying to become.

So I struggle everyday to find the right balance, but I know that I must get back to my foundational behaviors if I am to have a stable platform on which to progress.

How do you balance yourself when you are not in alignment?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: What does your heart tell you?

What does your heart tell you?

The quality of our life resides in the quality of our choices. When I look back at my life, I find that I have chosen well in some things, and in others, I have chosen in a way that did not support my highest aspirations.

A common thread throughout my poorer choices has been an element of fear. When fear distorts my decisions, I find myself choosing the path that leads to less joy, happiness and satisfaction.

But in trying to understand myself, I have come to a realization that the most serious choices are usually the ones that start with what to think. It has taken me many years to accept the truth that no matter the situation, I have a choice in what to think about it.

One of the truths I have tried to incorporate into my life is that ‘it’s never the event, it’s the meaning we give to it’. In any situation, we actually have a choice as to how we interpret those events.

When my eldest son was born, we discovered a few hours after his birth that he would require open heart surgery to correct a congenital defect that otherwise could kill him.

At the time, I was devastated. A million thoughts went through my head, and honestly, a lot of those were along the lines of “why me, why us, why this”. Those ‘feelings’ were raw emotion expressed out of negative thoughts left unchecked in my heart, and did not serve me.

I spent years, many years, feeling like we had been poorly treated by the universe, and this feeling colored so many of my choices and understandings.

Now, some two decades later, I have reached an understanding that really, we were very lucky. His condition, while serious, was uncomplicated, and he has thrived and is doing very well.

Even though I would rather not have gone through the circumstances of his birth, I can choose to feel gratitude for the positives aspects of his condition, for the wonderful service of the medical teams who kept him alive and made him well, and for the support of family, friends and even strangers who lifted us when we were down, and carried us when we could not carry ourselves.

The hardest truth is that even my feelings are a choice, unless I decide to give up my ability to choose, and just “follow my heart”.

When I started this reflection with “What does your heart tell you”, most people probably thought this was going to be a post about following your heart, but it’s not. Your ‘heart’ is really the sum of all of your needs, wants, desires and dreams, but it’s also the repository for all of your fears, unmet needs, traumas and tears.

Unless you have walked though the deeper truths of your soul, following your heart is often a continuation of the pain and misunderstandings of yesterday, left unchecked and unrestrained so that those feelings can affect and alter your todays and tomorrows.

Follow your heart, but only when you are sure that your heart is full of truth, not error; love not hate; gratitude not selfishness; kindness not chaos.

Balance your heart, and you will live with a greater sense of gratitude and wonder.

And you can know peace.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: My ‘truths’ are found in my reactions

My ‘truths’ are found in my reactions.

It’s been 30 years since I began my journey into self awareness and understanding. At age 17, I began to be aware that I was acting in ways that were not in my best interests.

While I was engaged in these behaviors, there was always a voice in the back of my head, asking me why I was acting in such a way. I have spent years trying to understand my reasons for the choices that I make, both good (choices that empower me) and bad (choices that disempower me).

I think after 30 years I have learned some things. At this time in my life, I less frequently ‘act’ in a way that is not ‘good’, but I find that sometimes I ‘fail to act’ in a way that could be good for me.

When this occurs, I try to discover the reasons behind my inaction, so that I might find a pathway forwards into ‘good’ actions. This type of self reflection is slow, because often times the answers are shrouded in pain/misunderstandings that may be obvious to others, but are not so obvious to me.

I have found that, for myself, the greatest leaps in self understanding come when I find the time and courage to question my reactions.

I consider ‘actions’ to be emotions or behaviors that are the result of a thoughtful, careful examination of possible choices and outcomes, followed by a decision to balance my considered response within my value structure.

‘Reactions’, on the other hand, are the result of an immediate emotional response that is not modulated or controlled, nor necessarily with reference to any decision about the possible outcomes.

Reactions are when I am ‘feeling not thinking’.

Reactions are guideposts to the emotions that drive me. Reactions are not necessarily bad. Some reactions are good, some are not so good.

When I find myself reacting in a way that is not in keeping with my highest aspirations, I find that a thoughtful, careful and honest evaluation of the emotions behind the reaction can lead me to a greater understanding—a deeper awareness. This awareness gives direction to my journey of self discovery, but is it not an easy pathway to walk.

But there is great value in learning to understand myself. How else can I find peace, and help others find peace, if I am not willing to work through my own confusions and misunderstanding?

Peace is the emotion we feel when all other emotions are balanced and at rest.

Peace is found in the absence of negative reactions.

What are some of your reactions?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Are you addicted to this?

Are you addicted to this?

As I look around in the world, I see more and more people suffering from addictions. Some are addicted to drugs, both prescription and illegal; some are addicted to status with their brand labels and designer tags; some are addicted to their electronic worlds which provide endless distraction often at the expense of value.

But most of all, I see addiction to certainty.

People like certainty. It provides a buffer against the chaos of the universe, but it also provides protection against possibilities. The possibility of being wrong, the possibility of being hurt, the possibility that things are not as you believe them to be.

We like certainty because it feels good. Calming. Comfortable. Controlled.

But certainty addiction can also create blockages on the pathway to peace. Being unwilling to let go of a certainty, and embrace possibility, is often the greatest blockage to truth. Truths that are now accepted were once taken as heresy. Things we are certain of today will eventually be shown to be wrong.

I invite you to become comfortable with uncertainty. Know less, listen more. Only with an open mind, and a heart willing to listen, can you progress beyond where you are at.

This does not mean that you have to change who you are. Rather, be willing to listen to an opposing point of view with honest sincerity; be willing to examine your own views before trying to break down those of another.

Above all, be willing to give up your certainty about who you are, and instead embrace who you can become. When you learn to identify with principles rather than labels, your life and service will change.

Trees survive the storm, because they are rooted but flexible. Certainty is stiffness, being willing to trust and become comfortable with uncertainty is flexibility.

Flexibility is growth, and growth is peace.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Malignant does not necessarily mean malicious

Malignant does not necessarily mean malicious.

I wrote yesterday about how we sometimes maintain psychological relationships with those who have died, and how those relationships can be a source of strength and/or pain, depending on the nature of the relationship.

But it has become clear to me that sometimes, as a result of a ‘fear of speaking ill of the dead’, we shy away from truly understanding the effect that an ongoing psychological relationship with someone who has passed on can have in our lives. (This can also be true for those who are still living, but I’ll write about that another day).

Somehow, we may feel that admitting the truth that someone who has passed on either had, or still has, a malignant effect in our lives, is disrespectful and unkind. Rather than behave in a way that we feel is wrong, we shy away from examining and making peace within the relationship.

Today, I would invite you to reflect on the truth that malicious and malignant are not always synonymous. Just because someone had a malignant effect on your life doesn’t necessarily mean that they were a bad person.

In my life, there have been two people who have caused me great pain. I honestly believe that neither of them intended to.

Because of limitations of their own, caused by their own previous trauma and ongoing environmental and emotional issues, they caused and still in some aspects still cause me to feel pain and a lack of peace.

Recognizing that they are toxic to me is a start.

Recognizing that they did not intentionally hurt me helps me to release some of the pain and anger I feel in the ongoing psychological relationship.

Recognizing that I need to examine and make peace with their memory, and that I can do so without it being a negative statement about who they were/are as a person, allows me the freedom to truly go deeper into my soul, and make peace with the chaos I find there.

One day, I hope for the pain I feel to be swallowed up in my concern for those who may be causing me distress. This will only occur as I balance my needs, grow in humility and kindness, and practice daily the art of caring for others.

Malicious is not necessarily malignant. Accepting this truth can help you to find balance and peace now with those of your past, present and future.

It is my deepest wish for you to find peace, and then lead others to it.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Balance, Certainty, Actuality

A troubled peace besets my soul.

As I explore my addiction to binaryism (thinking in terms of black and white), I come again and again to the realization that rarely is any situation truly a ‘win’ or a ‘loss’.

Life, it seems, is dependent more upon our interpretation of the experiences that make up existence, rather than the event that we enveloped in at the current moment.

In contemplation, I realize at a deeper, more complex level, that binaryism is both a blessing and a curse.

When working for me, it allows me to find joy in situations that may not be without imperfections, but I am able to overlook those imperfections and find peace and hope.

When working against me, binaryism steals from me the peace, joy and happiness that should prevail in a situation that is not without flaws, but which is generally in my favor.

Any addiction is a response to pain, so I try to understand why I am so addicted to this ‘black and white’ thinking. I arrive at the conclusion that I think this way because it allows me to achieve certainty, one of the 6 human needs. Coming from a dysfunctional and difficult childhood which was full of uncertainty, my certainty craving is a pathological protection, simultaneously serving me, and yet wounding me.

Certainty, it seems, is my addiction in the face of a deficit of faith, hope, connection and peace.

Life is about achieving balance during the storms, accepting both light and dark, in a overarching comfort that allows us to just exist in the moment, taking joy from all that is.

Yet I find balance elusive, and cling to certainty as my antidote, when in actuality, it is an addiction.

Why can I not just be?

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Ocean of Stillness

An ocean of stillness, despite the storms around me.

Growing up in a coastal town in England, a love of the ocean has been a part of me for as long as I can remember.

For me, the ocean is spiritual. The raw power, majesty and timelessness gives me a sense of perspective that nothing else brings.

For the ocean is an ocean, regardless of anything else. Yes the moon may pull it, but it still beats its way relentlessly to the shore. Patient, the ocean works tirelessly, at its own pace. Its song is the heartbeat of the world, calming, soothing and reassuring.

The ocean teaches me that persistence is a key part of life. While I am pulled, buffeted, lifted and dropped by the ravages of time, life and the incessant trials of humanity, the ocean bids me to remain calm, to stay my course, to succeed.

The ocean teaches me respect, in that it holds the secrets of life, but can be underestimated in its power and destructive capacities.

The ocean teaches me stillness in the face of storms, persistence in the presence of time, and the never to be forgotten truth that life is fragile, temporary and worthy of respect.

When I need to be grounded, balanced and restored I allow my mind to drift to the ocean.

And I am renewed.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc