Morning Reflection: The Error in My Expectations

As I ponder my relationship with others around me, I realize that I tend to have expectations of people that are often not met. This is often a cause of sadness for me, and in going deeper I am reaching the conclusion that my expectations are often irrational, self serving and based solely on my unfulfilled needs.

Worst of all, my expectations are often a form of transactional living, where I am placing a requirement on someone else to do something or act in a way which they have not implicitly agreed, oftentimes which they don’t even know about it.

Expecting others to act a certain way in order to fill the gaps in my soul in effect reduces them in my mind to an object, someone who needs to act in a certain way in order for me to feel a certain thing. This in turn places a burden upon them, which they do not deserve.

I realize that in living this way, I am not honoring them as a person who has their own divine spark, their own consciousness, and the freedom to live as they want. Expecting someone to provide support for one of my essential human needs, without them having agreed to do so, is to devalue the relationship that I could have with them.

Perhaps in all of my judging, I can find a space in my soul to truly examine why I have these expectations. If I am truly trying to serve someone else, and give without expecting, then I should be grateful for their presence in my life however they choose to participate in my ongoing experience.

Expectations are antithetical to gratitude. Expectations destroy my peace in what is, forever reaching for that which is not and may never be.

If I am honest with myself, my expectation for them is often a manifestation of a need that I have not yet balanced within my soul. My responsibility is to do that in a way that respects others, not reduces them.

And that is not easy.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@losingtowin120

Morning Reflection: Who do you blame?

Who do you blame?

As I journey through the paradox of my heart, mind and soul I encounter both helpful and harmful behaviors, those which uplift and those which demean.

Recently I have become aware of my tendency to want to assign blame and I have realized that often times my compassion is found wanting as I turn again and again to reactive blaming.

The truth is that blame is rarely a mature response to a situation. Blame does not soften the heart or console with compassion the accused, but instead it relieves us of our own responsibility and allows us to escape ownership.

Mostly, blame is just another way to satisfy my ego. If it’s somebody else’s fault, then I am protecting myself. Too often I find myself wrapping my soul in the judgment of others to escape an assessment of myself.

The biggest problem with blame is that it stops you looking beyond where the blame stops. Who is to blame for all of the troubles in my life? Is it my father, is it his father, is it Hitler who started a war which took my grandfather away from my father and destroyed their relationship, leaving my father emotionally unable to have a relationship with me. Where does the blame end? Where does the fault begin? This is a rabbit hole I have wasted far too much time going down, because there is no end, and no benefit to it.

I feel that in order to rid myself of blaming others, I must act with greater compassion for myself as well as others. Only when I extend compassion to myself will I end my addiction of self judgment and self protection, and in doing so find compassion for others.

Blame is not empowering emotion. It stifles the soul, hardens the heart and enlarges the ego. If blame is left unchecked, compassion finds no place to grow in our heart and we lose the chance to be connected to ourselves and to others.

So in order to stop blaming, and find compassion for others, I have to extend compassion to myself.

And that is a much more difficult proposition than I realized.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Into the Unknown

Into the unknown.

Life is a very strange experience. The older I become, the less I understand the directions my life moves in. For someone who is addicted to certainty, that is a frustrating reality to inhabit.

More and more I find myself moving into a role for which I find myself strangely equipped, but emotionally less than sure of. It feels like Life has taken a hold of me, and is moving me through waters of its own choosing.

Change is my only constant, and I am learning, slowly, to make peace with that. It starts by letting go of the thoughts, ideas, beliefs and constructs that I have used to ‘hold back the tide’ of change.

Instead, I am learning to surrender to the flow of the water, and just try my best in each circumstance that I find myself in. Trust has always been my weak point, and that weakness is being tested daily, hourly.

I have been richly blessed over this last week to be in situations where this new direction has allowed me to use my gifts to help others. I cannot express in words the deep resounding calm that I feel as I have been privileged to help people through their challenges.

I feel like I am beginning to move into my purpose, a feeling I have not felt in a very long time.

But I have no idea where this is leading me. The future remains unclear, with a myriad of potential outcomes unfolding in front of me.

I am scared, I am hopeful, I am confused.

But I am moving onwards.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: The Antidote to Anger

Anger is heroin to the selfish soul.

As a young man, I was filled with anger, rage, fury and vengeance. In painful circumstances beyond my control where I felt powerless, my response was to dwell in the negative side of me, pushing it to grow stronger, become more, until it was enough to protect me.

I was able to control it, but it took effort, sometimes great effort. I learned control, but at a painful cost. In my struggle to control anger, I learned to suppress all emotion, both good and bad.

As I grew older, I realized that anger blinds us to our mind’s eye of reason. Anger is an isolating emotion, allowing us the luxury of demonizing and dehumanizing the ‘enemy’ before us, never forcing us to examine our own conduct.

Anger is the worst drug I know, because in it we lose contact with our highest, most compassionate self, and instead dwell in the darkness of our ego. Instead of compassion, we substitute judgment, instead of kindness there is derision, instead of grace, there is gloating. Anger makes us feel ‘justified’, while never forcing us to justify ourselves.

To replace anger with kindness, I have found that I have to let go of my sense of self, and instead follow the example of many spiritual teachers who embraced sacrifice over their own needs, who were willing to endure pain and hardship for the sake of others.

The antidote to anger is found in our empathy for everyone who crosses our path. Empathy is the causeway to compassion, service the ‘straight-way’ to selflessness, and love the pathway to peace.

I try to choose service over selfishness, and it has made a significant difference in my life.

But I am still learning.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Balance, Certainty, Actuality

A troubled peace besets my soul.

As I explore my addiction to binaryism (thinking in terms of black and white), I come again and again to the realization that rarely is any situation truly a ‘win’ or a ‘loss’.

Life, it seems, is dependent more upon our interpretation of the experiences that make up existence, rather than the event that we enveloped in at the current moment.

In contemplation, I realize at a deeper, more complex level, that binaryism is both a blessing and a curse.

When working for me, it allows me to find joy in situations that may not be without imperfections, but I am able to overlook those imperfections and find peace and hope.

When working against me, binaryism steals from me the peace, joy and happiness that should prevail in a situation that is not without flaws, but which is generally in my favor.

Any addiction is a response to pain, so I try to understand why I am so addicted to this ‘black and white’ thinking. I arrive at the conclusion that I think this way because it allows me to achieve certainty, one of the 6 human needs. Coming from a dysfunctional and difficult childhood which was full of uncertainty, my certainty craving is a pathological protection, simultaneously serving me, and yet wounding me.

Certainty, it seems, is my addiction in the face of a deficit of faith, hope, connection and peace.

Life is about achieving balance during the storms, accepting both light and dark, in a overarching comfort that allows us to just exist in the moment, taking joy from all that is.

Yet I find balance elusive, and cling to certainty as my antidote, when in actuality, it is an addiction.

Why can I not just be?

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Time to Act

Why am I stuck?

As a new year begins, most people resolve to change something. For me this year, I have set no resolutions. Rather, I seek to go deeper, and understand why I have not done things before.

I seek to understand the areas of my life in which I have not yet manifested the outcomes that I want. There are many of these areas, and I must move into each of them as I try to understand what holds me back.

Mostly it is fear. Fear that I will be laughed at, fear of failing, fear of a loss of sense of purpose, or fear of pain. But these fears are not created in a vacuum. There have been experiences that have created these fears. Experiences that were probably misunderstood, but accepted as truth, and that generated patterns of behavior that I still follow today, even though they are patterned on a falsehood.

I wish to understand why I have chosen to live a life that is not in congruency with my dreams, because these actions have been my choices. If I accept they are choices, I accept that I can chose differently, and create different outcomes. If I accept that they are MY choices, then I also accept the responsibility to change them, and also accept the belief that I can.

There is no place more valuable than the graveyard. In the graveyard we find all the hopes, dreams, ideas and purpose that was never realized during that person’s time on earth.

My wish is that I do not take my dreams into the graveyard. My hope is that I can find a way through my fears, and become the person who I think I was born to be.

It is time to accept, to live and to manifest a different level of purpose.

It is time to act, to move, to believe and to begin.

It is now. I am here. I am beginning.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

True Happiness

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Noise is Oscillation

Could you turn it down please...

Prior to the advent of headphones, I heard this a lot as a child. Then as headphones became more popular, the sound got quieter, but the noise got louder.

I live in a world today with a lot of noise. Some comes from my soul, some comes from the drama of other people, and some from what a teacher of mine refers to as ‘human problems’, by which I think he means that inescapable fact of being a person, alive in this universe.

But recently I have noticed that I use the noise of others to drown out the noise of my own soul. That comes from my wants, my needs, my beliefs and my fears.

Over the last 10 years I have allowed other people to become my distraction. What looked like dedicated service, or great kindness, was often a way for me to avoid the sound of my own soul.

Too many of us now live in a world of distraction, noise, entertainment and the ever present soundtrack of headphones, devices and clicks.

When do we take time to be silent, and allow the whispering of our soul to become pre-eminent in our lives. How often do we sit in silence and solitude, allowing the universe to unfold before us.

No, we use the noise to avoid the silence that introspection requires.

And that noise stops us from living out our lives authentically, honestly and vibrantly.

Life requires balance, and noise is oscillation.

To find peace, seek silence.

And listen.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Flexibility

you are born, you’re really flexible. When you are dead, you’re really not.

Flexibility denotes movement, so therefore movement is a component of life. The 7 signs of life are respiration, irritability, nutrition, growth, movement, excretion and reproduction (Thank you Mrs Thomas, I still remember).

So an area of your life in which you are stuck indicates a lack of movement, and therefore the presence of death.

What are the areas of your life in which you feel stuck, and therefore dead?

Chances are, these areas are the same today as they were yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that.

Movement in life is essential, especially if an area of your life is out of balance and causing you pain.

What are the areas of your life that are stuck in unbalance, and how can I help you find movement…?

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Seeing Yourself

You cannot read the label on your own jar”.

Meaning: you can’t see your own problems as clearly as you see everyone else’s.

I have reached a point in my life where I truly believe that the only true enemy that exists to my happiness and success is looking right back at me in the mirror each morning.

If I am to take ownership of my life, then I have to own my problems. However, most of the time, we can’t see our problems. The bible talks about seeing the ‘mote’ or speck in someone else’s eye but not seeing the ‘beam’ or speck in your own eye.

I think that’s partly because you can see their inconsistencies, whereas facing your own usually means confronting powerful and painful emotions that you don’t want to experience.

What do you see when you look at yourself? What do others see when they look at you?

I wish I could see myself the way you see me, because all I see is my own distorted view.

I wish you could see yourself like I do. Chances are, I think you are amazing.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

In the service of others...

One of my favorite quotes by a man I greatly admire goes like this…

“Serve a cause greater than yourself or you will lead a one-man army.” -- Richard Marcinko

A passage from a book of Scripture reads...“For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?”

All around us are incredible examples of service. Most acts of service are quiet, personal, and never make the headlines...

See the rest of this posting at Shrinking Dr. B.

New experiences, new life

It is amazing how transforming your life changes aspects of your life you did not expect. When I started losing weight my goal was to feel better about myself and to hopefully feel less of a fraud as a doctor.

Then when I started losing weight successfully, other avenues opened up.

New experiences that I had never had before, people coming into my life with different experiences, different stories, different opportunities.

I had another one of those recently. On my flight to McCall for lunch, I met a guy named Steven Conner. Along with his partner Dustyn Stevens, they have a created Forge Your Potential, an organization designed to motivate and inspire people to find the best that is in them and to fulfill their true potential.

Part of that organization is a podcast and, on our flight to McCall, I was invited to be a guest on their podcast....

See the rest of this posting at Shrinking Dr. B.

His example made a difference in my life

Yeah, the picture is slightly blurry, but my memory of this day is as sharp as ever.

This is Greg Plitt. Fitness model, author, motivational speaker, former army ranger. He acted, was on TV, and had an amazing life.

On June 8, 2013, Greg was part of the Bodybuilding.com Fitness Expo in Boise.

Although he was rushed, he spent a couple of minutes talking to me, and then was willing to be photographed with me.

For him, that was an everyday thing. For me, I hated being photographed. I hated how I looked, how I felt and who I was.

But he didn’t see me that way. He made me feel like I could be successful, could change my life. I told him that day that I was going to change. It took me longer than I hoped...but I made it.

But I made it too late...

See the rest of this post at Shrinking Dr. B.

Stall Warning

Source.

When you fly a plane, if you try to climb too fast or you change your angle of attack (how aggressively the wing attacks the air) too suddenly, you create a stall. Depending upon your plane, you will get a nasty buzzing noise or the computer freaks out and starts yelling at you.

Unfortunately, stalls are also a part of weight loss, but they don’t come with a warning. They can happen after you try something specifically stupid, like pushing yourself too hard to hit a target. Possibly someone you know (or are reading about) has done this recently. Possibly someone who looks a lot like me.

See the rest of this posting at Shrinking Dr. B.

Food is fuel – not fun

Food is fuel – not fun (with apologies to Bruce the shark in Finding Nemo).

Someone recently asked me what I eat. As I thought about it, I realized that I tend to eat a lot of the same things. Holly, my wife, has been very supportive of my lifestyle change, but I know it has been hard on her as she has felt like she can’t make a lot of the foods that she wants to make for me.

In conversation with someone, I was able to finally explain clearly what I feel about food at this point.

Food is fuel – not fun.

I use that analogy very specifically. For the longest time, I have used food for a source of comfort, and something to look forward to. In the past, foods like pizza, pasta, soda, milk and bread have been a staple of my life, and I have enjoyed eating them.

So why change how I was eating? Because for me, they were the wrong type of fuel...

See the rest of this posting at Shrinking Dr. B.

An unexpected miracle...

I wrote last week about my unwanted Christmas present, when the scale showed me that I had gained weight. I was pretty sure it was water weight – but it still wasn’t what I was looking for.

When I started losing weight, I wanted to be at 250 lbs by Christmas. At the time, it seemed like a crazy goal that I could never reach.

Until I got there way earlier.

Then it was 240 by Christmas, but I achieved that early as well.

So then I wanted the big one – 100 lbs in 8 months.

When I started this journey on May 2, I weighed 330 lbs. To lose 100 lbs in 8 months, I would need to weigh 230 lbs by January 1, 2017.

It seemed impossible, but then it started to look like I could make it…and I got really hopeful...

See the rest of this posting at Shrinking Dr. B.

The Christmas present I didn't want

I guess I will have to settle for losing 95 lbs in 8 months and not 100. Oh well.

Seriously…Of all of the days for the scale to show me that I was up, Christmas Day was not the day I was looking for. I can honestly say that I have been “perfect” on my diet for the last 200 + days. I have not had a “cheat meal” or eaten anything that was outside of my parameters.

On Christmas Eve morning I was working with a weight loss client (yes, I am starting to do weight loss coaching) and told her how she shouldn’t base all of her energy on what the scale reads, but in trust in the process.

Those words came back hard on Christmas morning to me. Of all of the days, when there is going to be food all over the place, when no one would “judge me” for eating off of my diet, on a day when I could really use motivation, the scale shows I’m up 2 pounds.

See the rest of this posting at Shrinking Dr. B.

Progress Pics 100 lbs lost!

100 lbs lost from this time last year.

This picture is actually from May 1 to Dec 5 of this year - when most of my weight loss has occured.

I'm amazed at how far I've come, but I still have a long way to go.

But for today - I'm happy with it.

Originally posted at Shrinking Dr. B.

97.5 – Sounds like a radio station

Source

97.5 – Sounds like a radio station.

It’s hard to believe, but I’m so close to having lost 100 lbs of weight.

In September 2015, I weighed 340 lbs. When I weighed myself today (November 27, 2016), I weighed 242.5 lbs.

97.5 lbs...DAMN!

That’s a lot of weight. I have two nieces who I love to death, and neither of them weighs that much.

But I know what you are all thinking...Show me the 100! :)

My original goal was 250 by Christmas – blew through that one in early November. So then my goal was 240 by Christmas – and it looks like I will...

See the rest of this post at Shrinking Dr. B.

What does it mean to you?

Recently I was teaching a small group of 14 year olds about how they can learn to analyze a situation more intelligently. While I don’t know if they got the concept I was trying to get across, I hope that somewhere in their minds they stored this simple phrase…

“It’s never the event – it’s always the interpretation”.

I hope that it will come back to them at a time when they need it most in their lives. I sincerely believe that’s why we teach youth – it’s not that they will understand it right now, but at some point in the future they will...

See the rest of this post at Shrinking Dr. B.