Morning Reflection: Onions Have Layers

Onions Have Layers.

If you’ve ever seen the original Shrek movie, you’ll probably remember the scene where Donkey is trying to understand Shrek’s motives, and can’t see past the simple fact of Shrek being an Ogre.

In his attempt to explain that he’s not just a village-destroying-monster, Shrek attempts to explain to Donkey that Ogres, like onions, have layers.

A fact which bypasses Donkey completely, because he doesn’t have many layers.

I’m been thinking about that recently because human beings, like onions and ogres apparently, have layers. Your own awareness of the different layers of your soul is probably the most valuable piece of knowledge you will ever come to own.

Sometimes we come across those layers as we journey with intention into the deeper parts of ourselves, but usually it’s because life throws us something that peels back the veneer of our supposed ‘normality’ and reveals to us things ‘further in’ that we had no idea where there.

Or behaviors that we thought were firmly in the past.

In this strange time in which we live, where a virus too small to see can bring civilization to a halt, we’re all experiencing pressures and a peeling back of the layers to show what is underneath.

I watched my two sons almost get into an argument last night, which very rarely occurs in our house. I can see how the pressure of confinement is peeling back their layers, as small things that would usually not bother them suddenly annoy them in ways that they did not expect.

But it’s not just restricted to them.

With the pressures of trying to run a small business in this very strange economy, and practice my profession in a way that keeps both my patients and my family safe, I find my own layers coming apart, and have seen in myself some attitudes that I thought I have moved beyond.

In some ways it is disheartening to think that something that I had already taken care of was, in fact, still within me, just awaiting some time and some increased pressure.

Which is essentially what we’re all in – a pressure cooker.

And it would be easier if we knew when the pressure was going to end. Several years ago my wife had to undergo a medical procedure that while only lasting a few seconds, was incredibly painful.

A kind and wonderful nurse counted down for her during the procedure, giving my wife the sense of hope as she realized that this too would pass, and she knew she really had to hold on for a few more seconds.

None of us have that right now. None of us know when this is going to end, or even what that end is going to look like.

So today I would ask you to extend patience and forgiveness to yourself as well as everyone around you. We are all fighting the same battle right now; fear of what we do know, and a greater fear of what we don’t.

Each of us in our own way experiences that terror differently, as we peel back the layers, exposing things which we thought we had dealt with; emotions we thought we had passed.

And it can be really disappointing to realize that we haven’t.

If you find yourself stuck in that frustration, may I offer you the perspective of understanding that this time is actually a powerful opportunity for growth if you can forgive yourself these momentary lapses, and learn from the emotions that you feel.

As I have written before, your reactions to situations are the guideposts to your progression: if only we will learn, if only we will follow.

And sometimes it’s the very reactions that are pulled from you against your will that show you the deeper paths you yet have still to walk.

So treat yourself kindly, and know that all of us in our own way are fighting the same battle. Some days we are winning, some days not so much.

But we are all in this together.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Kindness

Source.

Morning Reflection: You have to face, and feel, your feelings

You have to face, and feel, your feelings.

We all have feelings we like to feel. Feelings like joy, happiness, excitement, love and comfort to name just a few. Those are the emotions that make life worth living.

But we also have to deal with the other type of emotions, like loss, loneliness, frustration, pain and shame. Those are the emotions that hurt, and make us wish for a change in how we feel.

How do you avoid your negative feelings?

For me, for a long time, it was food. That’s how I ended up morbidly obese, and closer to death than I want to admit. But that wasn’t my only ‘coping mechanism’. I would also become angry at myself, preferring the pain of self loathing rather than the pain of someone else being angry or disappointed in me.

Last night, I had an occasion to face a negative feeling, rather than try to run from it, or busy myself in something else to forget it. The negative feeling was sadness, after I failed to follow through on something that someone very dear to me asked of me. It wasn’t something earth shattering, but it made that person feel unappreciated.

But this time, rather than get angry with myself, or get quiet and withdraw, I made the conscious decision to allow the feeling to exist, and feel how it felt. No avoidance, no rationalization, nothing to try to ameliorate the feeling of acknowledging that I let someone down.

And it didn’t feel good at all. But I lived.

Growth comes when we stop avoiding our feelings, and learn from them.

Growth comes when we accept that things might hurt for a while, but we don’t try to dull that pain with other measures.

Growth comes when we take a deep breath, and allow the truth of who we are to wash over us, and bathe us in the emotions that can change us.

Like the small flower that struggles to pierce the earth to find the sunlight, or the child who struggles to walk despite falling again and again, we too can struggle through and learn from our painful emotions if we will but face them, feel them and find the strength to change through them.

Running from your emotions never solves the problem.

The only way out is through.

Go through it. You can do this.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Choose a different window

Choose a different window.

Everything in life comes down to our perspective, our own window, or our point of view. What we see today as a truth may very well be understood to be an error when we look back at it from tomorrow. History is replete with examples of this.

But so too are our own lives. Yesterday, in a moment of ego, I left a comment on a post on Facebook, which angered someone greatly, and he left a reply that was obviously full of frustration. When I initially read his comment, I felt my soul shift into what I can only describe as ‘battle mode’, and I immediately began composing my responses, none of which were true to my highest ideals of being a peacemaker.

But in that first moment, I didn’t want peace, I wanted vengeance. I wanted superiority. I wanted to use every ounce of whatever talent and intellect I possess to crush his argument (and his ego) into pieces. He’s not someone I know, and he had treated me in a way that I felt was inappropriate, unkind and rude.

This is not the person I aspire to be, but this is who I am if I allow myself to be that person.

Thankfully, it took a couple of minutes, but I was able to exercise some humility and try to see it from his window, his point of view.

And so I apologized. Not because I thought my argument doesn’t have merit, but because he was right when he said I could have done better. Could he have phrased his reply more kindly, sure. Are there things that he said that I feel were incorrect, yes. Would we necessarily see eye to eye on this topic were we ever to meet, I honestly don’t know.

But my apology to him brought forth an apology from him. Neither of us were seeing it from each other’s point of view, and we both asked for forgiveness, which was given. Good wishes were exchanged, and each of us grew a little closer to kindness.

In order to be a peacemaker, we have to be willing to give up our own window, and see things from someone else’s point of view, so that we may search for truth together, rather than trying to pull each other down.

Peace requires humility. Yesterday I was able to find some. It doesn’t always happen. I am so grateful that the other person in this equation was able to reply from a place of humility. He helped me more than he can know.

Wherever you are today, I implore you to find someone with whom you disagree, and make an effort to reach out and try to understand them.

The only way we will have peace in this world is when we strive for it.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Giving yourself permission to let go.

Giving yourself permission to let go.

Humanity comes with a price – awareness, sentience, choice. Each of us holds that precious balance between what we could do, and what we choose to do. Often we have our own set of rules, that we have adopted from that which we have observed, and that which we have decided for ourselves.

In short, we have a definition of ourselves that dictates who we are, how we behave, and often even how we feel.

But sometimes, these self-rules prevent us from acting in our own self interests, especially when it comes to letting go of old self-beliefs.

When I am coaching with someone, and they use the phrase “I am” followed by a definition, I will often explore with them that definition, so that they may come to a greater knowledge of themselves.

You would be surprised the number of times that we find out that a self definition, especially one that is preventing progress, was created after a painful interaction with a parent, a spouse or a friend. These definitions can create pain, heartache and sadness for many years, even if that definition has no basis in reality.

An example would be the woman who thinks she is overweight, because a well meaning but poorly executing parent tells her that she needs to lose “just a few pounds’. Another example would be a man who was told as a teenager that he would ‘always be a problem’ and has adopted that belief into his soul and so acts accordingly.

Or maybe it’s the parent who is blinded by their expectation of what “should be” and who instead misses out on all that they actually do have with their children.

If, in your self-reflection, you find that you have some of these difficult self definitions, I invite you today to question them, and see if this is something that you can let go.

Letting go does not make you a bad person, nor does it make you ungrateful to a person who may have been trying to help.

It simply means that you are using your sentience, your awareness and your power to choose to determine your own future, and travel down your own pathway in the way that you feel best reflects the truth of your being.

If all you are waiting for is permission to become who you know you really are, then this is your permission slip.

Be kind, know yourself and become.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: How do you balance gratitude

How do you balance gratitude?

Yesterday morning I stepped outside to get the mail. It was a beautiful morning, and although it was cold, the sun shone brightly and the world seemed at peace.

I have read enough history to know that in the history of the entire human race, I am very blessed. To be where I am, at this time, in this place, in my circumstances…a large percentage of humanity that has ever existed would consider me very fortunate, and trade places with me in a moment.

Yet I find that I struggle with gratitude, because there is in my core an ambition growling that nothing I have achieved is even remotely enough. I’m not sure what “enough” would be, but I know I don’t feel that I am even close to being there.

And I realize that I am ungrateful, and I struggle to change.

I seek to find a balance, some internal awareness that can be thankful, and at that moment allow myself to find joy in where I am at, yet still maintain a desire to become more.

I have come so very far from where I started, both in life and in geography. I have, in most aspects, eclipsed the probable outcomes of my birth.

I have been helped along the way, of that there is no question, but I question the level of gratitude I feel regarding that help. I think that, in some way, being grateful for help is linked in my mind to not being enough, that I am ashamed for having needed help, that I was insufficient.

Even writing these words I see the inconstancy behind them, but who ever said that we, as humans, are paragons of consistency? It may be said of us that our constant inconsistency is what separates us from machines.

So today, I ask of you, how do you balance gratitude with ambition? Does gratitude come easily to you, or do you, like me, recognize that you have very far to go in reaching a grateful state of being?

I would welcome your thoughts today. Your wisdom could help my struggle.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: How do you know when it’s time to walk away?

How do you know when it’s time to walk away?

Have you ever had to walk away from someone? Unfortunately, this happens to most of us at some point in our lives. We have the misfortune to find someone who is so toxic to us that there is no middle ground, no way to breach the gulf between us.

No matter how hard we try, there is no explanation that will magically unlock their understanding, and bring into balance the interactions between us.

It may be due to their extreme emotional needs, or a wound to their self image that has never healed, or it may just be that their understanding of how the world works is so fundamentally different from our own that for our emotional self protection we have to disengage and depart.

Often we will feel some measure of guilt for this. That is natural, especially if you are the kind of person who tries very hard to be compassionate to the feelings of others.

But sometimes, you just have to walk away. From the person, from the drama, from the emotional battery that accompanies their presence in your life.

Walking away does not make you a bad person. When you have honestly tried, and there is still no balance that works for you, then you have the right to protect yourself.

Too often, in an attempt to try to heal a previous relationship, we persist in a current one far too long, hoping at a deep subconscious level that we can somehow put right what once went wrong.

When the time comes, the kindest thing you can do is just walk away. For you, for them, a clean break is often the best. Give yourself time to mourn the loss of what you hoped this could be, but don’t spend your time dwelling on the past.

You only have a finite time here, so use the time that you have in the best way possible.

Be kind to yourself, and find the balance that allows you to be kind to others.

And you can find peace.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: What would you do after you had all the money in the world?

What would you do after you had all the money in the world?

A very wise man once asked me this question. He said that the key to happiness was deciding what you really wanted to do, and doing that.

He taught me a question that I have asked many other people since first learning of it.

Imagine you had enough money to do whatever you wanted. You had traveled to everywhere you wanted to go, and purchased everything you wanted, and there was still time left over in your life.

What would you spend your time on?

That is your passion, your mission, and your soul.

For me, I realized that helping people was the thing that brings me most joy. Were it possible, I would spend a good portion of each day coaching with people, helping them through their problems, their fears, their heartaches and their lives. It’s what brings me the most joy and happiness, and it’s when my soul feels most alive.

For you the answer is probably different, and that’s ok. The purpose of life is to find your purpose, and then live your life so that you can live your purpose as completely, honestly, truthfully and compassionately as you can.

You have today, but no guarantee of tomorrow.

Purpose. Find it, live it, love it.

Go.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Do you struggle being kind to yourself?

Do you struggle being kind to yourself?

Over the years of my journey into self awareness, I think I have slowly become kinder to others. I have always tried to treat other people well regardless of how I feel about them, but deep in my heart there was often judgment instead of compassion, and coldness where there could have been warmth.

But the further I have walked into my journey of awareness, the greater a depth of compassion I have found for people. I can see, or at least I think I can see, why they sometimes behave in ways that are not their best selves.

Like someone who cannot keep a secret, who is in actuality lonely and looking for ways to connect; or a person who only contacts me when they need something but who is really suffering from a deep well of personal insignificance; or another person who continually grasps at money even though they have sufficient for their needs but who is actually seeking to fill a deep personal wound of feeling less than everyone else.

As I see their patterns, and I understand how their wounds precipitate their actions, I find that I am moved by compassion to have less frustration at their behaviors, and instead a greater patience and willingness to forgive.

This is still hard for me, but I can say with honesty that I am getting better at being kinder to other people.

Yet I still struggle immensely with self kindness, and self compassion. Behaviors I can forgive in others are ones that I condemn myself for. The peace which I am able to help others achieve seems much harder to find for myself.

In short, I am my harshest critic, and my greatest source of condemnation.

But I have begun to find ways through this.

As I examine my own self stories, I have found ways to interject compassionate self talk into my judgments, and realize some small measure of change in the way that I see myself.

While there is still frustration, there is sometimes compassion; while there is still anger, sometimes there is love; while there is still a fervent desire to move forward to achieve what I believe I am capable of, there is occasionally a willingness to allow myself to rest.

Ultimately, peace is found through self acceptance, self compassion, and self love. If you are struggling with this, please don’t give up.

You are worth far more than you feel about yourself, and I truly believe that you have a part to play in our ongoing progression.

Be kind to yourself, and give yourself the gift of compassion.

You are worth it.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: What does your heart tell you?

What does your heart tell you?

The quality of our life resides in the quality of our choices. When I look back at my life, I find that I have chosen well in some things, and in others, I have chosen in a way that did not support my highest aspirations.

A common thread throughout my poorer choices has been an element of fear. When fear distorts my decisions, I find myself choosing the path that leads to less joy, happiness and satisfaction.

But in trying to understand myself, I have come to a realization that the most serious choices are usually the ones that start with what to think. It has taken me many years to accept the truth that no matter the situation, I have a choice in what to think about it.

One of the truths I have tried to incorporate into my life is that ‘it’s never the event, it’s the meaning we give to it’. In any situation, we actually have a choice as to how we interpret those events.

When my eldest son was born, we discovered a few hours after his birth that he would require open heart surgery to correct a congenital defect that otherwise could kill him.

At the time, I was devastated. A million thoughts went through my head, and honestly, a lot of those were along the lines of “why me, why us, why this”. Those ‘feelings’ were raw emotion expressed out of negative thoughts left unchecked in my heart, and did not serve me.

I spent years, many years, feeling like we had been poorly treated by the universe, and this feeling colored so many of my choices and understandings.

Now, some two decades later, I have reached an understanding that really, we were very lucky. His condition, while serious, was uncomplicated, and he has thrived and is doing very well.

Even though I would rather not have gone through the circumstances of his birth, I can choose to feel gratitude for the positives aspects of his condition, for the wonderful service of the medical teams who kept him alive and made him well, and for the support of family, friends and even strangers who lifted us when we were down, and carried us when we could not carry ourselves.

The hardest truth is that even my feelings are a choice, unless I decide to give up my ability to choose, and just “follow my heart”.

When I started this reflection with “What does your heart tell you”, most people probably thought this was going to be a post about following your heart, but it’s not. Your ‘heart’ is really the sum of all of your needs, wants, desires and dreams, but it’s also the repository for all of your fears, unmet needs, traumas and tears.

Unless you have walked though the deeper truths of your soul, following your heart is often a continuation of the pain and misunderstandings of yesterday, left unchecked and unrestrained so that those feelings can affect and alter your todays and tomorrows.

Follow your heart, but only when you are sure that your heart is full of truth, not error; love not hate; gratitude not selfishness; kindness not chaos.

Balance your heart, and you will live with a greater sense of gratitude and wonder.

And you can know peace.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: A desire to be seen.

A desire to be seen.

Someone very dear to me once told me that being loved was having someone “notice you, so the passing of your days meant something, and didn’t just disappear into obscurity”. Another dear friend offered the perspective that love was a peaceful haven in the midst of an impersonal and uncaring universe.

I would suggest that love is “how you spend your soul”.

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day today, I would ask you how you are “spending your soul”? Are you waiting, hoping and longing for someone to notice you so that you have someone with whom you can share? Are you meagerly withholding love as a protection to your heart, or as revenge for past deeds and failures.

Love is the strangest emotion, in that the harder you give it, the greater your capacity to feel it grows. Ultimately, love is the most uplifting and purifying emotion, when it arises from a deep and overwhelming concern for the welfare of another.

In its truest form, love moves us to care outside of ourselves, and make the world a better place.

Today, please be aware of those who live without the love that they desire, and share some of your love with them. In spending some of your soul with another, you will find peace, happiness and enlightenment as you transcend your own concerns, and give without taking, and love without losing.

Who are you loving today?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@losingtowin120

Morning Reflection: Healing by Serving

Healing by serving.

All of us have injuries to our soul in one form or another. For some, it may be due to a difficult childhood, an abusive spouse, or a sudden and catastrophic loss of a part of our life that can never be recovered.

Others may have wounds that are ‘self-inflicted’, from an unwise choice, a momentary lapse in judgment, or a desire to meet a need that spirals into a history of bad choices leading to broken dreams.

No one escapes pain in this life, and no one gets to live without hardship, difficulty and struggle.

There is rarely a ‘way out’ of these situations, but there is often a way ‘through’.

If we are prepared to live it.

I recently asked a mentor of mine how I could move beyond where I am at in a certain aspect of my life. His answer touched me with a simple truth.

“Try to serve at a higher level’.

When we move from surviving to serving, we move from fear to fearlessness. When we dedicate ourselves to a greater cause than our own comfort, our pain and sadness can often be swallowed up in a servant heart, willing to bear our burden for the sake of others. When the hardships of life are viewed through a prism of hope, we encounter a sublime truth that can elevate our soul beyond its current engagement into a higher evolution.

We learn that often, our suffering is only such because of the way we interpret it. Suffering viewed through selfishness produces pain, while hardship viewed through the hope of helping others lifts us out of ourselves, and into a higher order of living.

Today, I invite you to find lift your heart through service, especially if that service stretches you beyond your current comfort into a greater giving.

Service is the pathway to peace, the decision through your difficulties, and the surest way I know to strengthen your heart to bear hardships with happiness.

Serve where you stand, and soon you will stand higher.

How may I serve you today?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: I gave, even though it wasn’t enough

I gave, even though it wasn’t enough.

Last night, after a long work day, I stopped to pick up a milkshake for my son who is sick. Through the window of the drive through, I saw something that stopped me cold.

A man sitting at a table on the other side of the restaurant was rubbing his hands. Repeatedly, fervently, agitated and uncontrollable. His appearance was unkempt, and he seemed uncertain of who or where he was. In those few brief seconds of vision, I could begin to see the difficulties that his life held.

My snap diagnosis was either mental illness, or some kind of cognitive deficit. In that moment, I felt an overwhelming sadness envelop me, as I pictured the life that this poor man has. For him, each day is a struggle. Not to achieve the shining heights of his ambitions, but to survive in a world that is confusing, difficult and often cruel.

As I pulled away from the drive through window, I suppressed the urge to cry for this poor man. I asked my wife, who had seen my sadness, “how do we make it right, how do we balance this”? The scope of the problem seemed overwhelming.

But in the moment that I asked her, I realized a powerful truth. That too often, I have done nothing because it seemed that anything would not be enough, and that fate itself would laugh at my small effort.

And so I rebelled. I rebelled against the despair that tried to hold me down. I rebelled against my ego that wanted to protect me from feeling uncomfortable. I rebelled against the voice in my head that told me I was trying to hold back the tide with my bare hands. In that moment, I rebelled against suffering, pain, sadness and hopelessness.

And I did something. I asked her for the $10 bill that we had just received in change. She gave it to me, and added the free sandwich gift card that we had also been given. I pulled out of the drive through, and back towards the front of the restaurant.

As I saw him again through the window, my original diagnosis seemed to hold up.

I stopped the car, and with a deep breath entered the door and walked over to him.

In a brief dialogue, I told him that I wanted to give him the $10 and the gift card. I told him that he was my “good deed” for the day. He stared at me, unsure as to why this stranger was giving him money in the midst of a fast food restaurant.

Truth is, I’m still not sure why I did it either.

But something in me, some part of my soul, connected with him in a way that I cannot express.

I realize that what I did will not change his life. I’m not sure what would. I was probably trying to hold back the tide.

But for one moment, in one brief intersection of two human beings, I acted in defiance of all that seeks to debase our existence. I can’t change too much of the world right now, but I can make small changes to help someone else have a day that is a little brighter, a night a little warmer, and a life just a little bit happier.

I don’t tell you this for my gain. I tell you this to ask for your help. Today, please find someone, anyone, who is suffering, and try to make their lives just that little better.

The universe can be cruel, hurtful, deceitful and unkind. My mission is to try, in whatever way I can, to alter that.

And I need your help.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Malignant does not necessarily mean malicious

Malignant does not necessarily mean malicious.

I wrote yesterday about how we sometimes maintain psychological relationships with those who have died, and how those relationships can be a source of strength and/or pain, depending on the nature of the relationship.

But it has become clear to me that sometimes, as a result of a ‘fear of speaking ill of the dead’, we shy away from truly understanding the effect that an ongoing psychological relationship with someone who has passed on can have in our lives. (This can also be true for those who are still living, but I’ll write about that another day).

Somehow, we may feel that admitting the truth that someone who has passed on either had, or still has, a malignant effect in our lives, is disrespectful and unkind. Rather than behave in a way that we feel is wrong, we shy away from examining and making peace within the relationship.

Today, I would invite you to reflect on the truth that malicious and malignant are not always synonymous. Just because someone had a malignant effect on your life doesn’t necessarily mean that they were a bad person.

In my life, there have been two people who have caused me great pain. I honestly believe that neither of them intended to.

Because of limitations of their own, caused by their own previous trauma and ongoing environmental and emotional issues, they caused and still in some aspects still cause me to feel pain and a lack of peace.

Recognizing that they are toxic to me is a start.

Recognizing that they did not intentionally hurt me helps me to release some of the pain and anger I feel in the ongoing psychological relationship.

Recognizing that I need to examine and make peace with their memory, and that I can do so without it being a negative statement about who they were/are as a person, allows me the freedom to truly go deeper into my soul, and make peace with the chaos I find there.

One day, I hope for the pain I feel to be swallowed up in my concern for those who may be causing me distress. This will only occur as I balance my needs, grow in humility and kindness, and practice daily the art of caring for others.

Malicious is not necessarily malignant. Accepting this truth can help you to find balance and peace now with those of your past, present and future.

It is my deepest wish for you to find peace, and then lead others to it.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Feeling Powerless

You only fear that over which you have no power.

My oldest son nearly died on his very first day of life. A few hours after I was blessed to help deliver him, a congenital heart defect was trying to kill him.

And there was nothing I could do.

I realized today that I have never overcome that feeling of being powerless.

To this day, I am still haunted by the realization that I could do nothing to help my son. I was at the mercy of others, dependent on someone else to do that which I could not.

I was nearly moved to tears today at the realization that what I fear most is being powerless. Unable to stand against that which assails me, unable to move in the face of an onslaught.

Powerlessness is my fear, the ghost which haunts my peace and troubles my soul in the quiet moments.

Yet in the end, we all face things against which we have no power. It is one of the similarities of the human condition, a reality that should unite us, even though often our fear will divide us.

For some it’s change, for some it’s the loss of something, for others, it’s the knowledge of their own weakness. Although our situations may differ, our experiences of feeling powerless are essentially the same.

In that moment, when we are faced with something we fear, it is important that we don’t stand alone. For while our souls may be separate, our fears and troubles can be a source of unity, strength, courage and conviction.

My hope is that I will be better at reaching out, lifting and helping others. As I struggle with my purpose, I desire to help others. Not for some eternal reward, and not for the praise of men, but simply because I desire to reduce the suffering that is present in the human condition.

Life is often cruel, but we must not be.

From the truth of the man I aspire to be… “Never cruel nor cowardly. Never give up, never give in”.

Kindness.

Always.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: The Caustic Effects of Childhood Criticism.

As I continue to deconstruct my demons, I have become more aware of my critical self talk. Often this is subconscious, barely noticed, at the periphery of awareness. Only by listening carefully and analyzing constantly have I been able to come to understand the deeper layers of my thoughts.

There is a saying that essentially says “The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice”. Learning to listen objectively to my inner voice has enabled me to change behaviors that have been lifelong habits, but also question where these voices came from. I have become aware that many of these inner voices are in fact a conglomeration of various criticisms that were leveled at me as a child.

Children are unable to objectively reason through caustic, unnecessary criticism and see into the truth of a flawed, human parent trying their best but failing at that time. Children internalize cruelty at an emotional level, and its caustic effects can last a lifetime.

If we really want to change the world, we need to start with the hearts of our children, and this starts by treating them better. If we sow kindness, we can reap compassion; if we sow patience, we can reap wisdom; and if we sow values, we will eventually reap nobility of the soul.

The way we treat our children is the vibration we give to the world.

And that is a humbling responsibility.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: The Antidote to Anger

Anger is heroin to the selfish soul.

As a young man, I was filled with anger, rage, fury and vengeance. In painful circumstances beyond my control where I felt powerless, my response was to dwell in the negative side of me, pushing it to grow stronger, become more, until it was enough to protect me.

I was able to control it, but it took effort, sometimes great effort. I learned control, but at a painful cost. In my struggle to control anger, I learned to suppress all emotion, both good and bad.

As I grew older, I realized that anger blinds us to our mind’s eye of reason. Anger is an isolating emotion, allowing us the luxury of demonizing and dehumanizing the ‘enemy’ before us, never forcing us to examine our own conduct.

Anger is the worst drug I know, because in it we lose contact with our highest, most compassionate self, and instead dwell in the darkness of our ego. Instead of compassion, we substitute judgment, instead of kindness there is derision, instead of grace, there is gloating. Anger makes us feel ‘justified’, while never forcing us to justify ourselves.

To replace anger with kindness, I have found that I have to let go of my sense of self, and instead follow the example of many spiritual teachers who embraced sacrifice over their own needs, who were willing to endure pain and hardship for the sake of others.

The antidote to anger is found in our empathy for everyone who crosses our path. Empathy is the causeway to compassion, service the ‘straight-way’ to selflessness, and love the pathway to peace.

I try to choose service over selfishness, and it has made a significant difference in my life.

But I am still learning.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Listening

“Silence cannot be misquoted, but it can be misinterpreted”.

As I grow through life, I have tried to learn to speak less and listen more. What greater respect can I pay other people than to truly listen to what they have to say, and try to learn from them?

Listening involves letting go of what I want to say, my desires for the conversation, and actually giving the other person time to pause, reflect and continue.

I have tried to stop myself from interrupting, talking over others, and also ‘rapidly answering’, where it is obvious that I have spoken before I have fully understood what has been spoken to me.

I have found that it is harder to do than I would have thought, but in doing so I have learned a greater control over interactions with people.

I have time in a conversation now, to allow compassion to have greater sway over condemnation, to allow humility to modulate that which could be perceived as hurtful, and to allow reflection to stop what could otherwise be resentment.

There is much to learn in listening, and I have tried to take to heart a quote attributed to the Buddha, “speak only if your words are more beautiful than the silence”.

Yet it occurs to me that my silence can be misinterpreted. A recent period of silence in a relationship that is dear to my heart was probably misinterpreted by the other party as something quite different.

My silence was deliberate, but only so that I could make sure that when I spoke, my words would be carefully chosen, and kind rather than callous. But I believe that my silence was taken quite differently, and at this point I fear that I must allow time to heal a wound that was self-assumed by the receiver in my period of silence, but which hurts nonetheless.

In this I also learned, that often when we misinterpret silence on the part of another, we do so in a way that is selfish, choosing the interpretation that best fits our own ego driven needs. In my interpretation of silence on the part of another, how often do I allow for the possible interpretation that places them in a better light?

As I try to move towards being a kinder person, I realize that the first, only and last barrier to kindness is that within my soul which I have not yet made peace with.

In speaking less, I hope to not only learn from others, but ultimately, to learn and better myself.

Today I will trust in silence, and move towards kindness.

And continue listening.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

In the service of others...

One of my favorite quotes by a man I greatly admire goes like this…

“Serve a cause greater than yourself or you will lead a one-man army.” -- Richard Marcinko

A passage from a book of Scripture reads...“For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?”

All around us are incredible examples of service. Most acts of service are quiet, personal, and never make the headlines...

See the rest of this posting at Shrinking Dr. B.