Morning Reflection: Changing my Perspective Changes my Emotion.

Changing my perspective changes my emotion.

As I try to control my state, or in other words control my mindset, I have found that losing my perspective is often associated with an increased intensity of unwanted emotions.

Last year’s eclipse was a chance for me to evaluate my perspective. For a brief moment in time, the moon obscuring the sun helped me experience, in a more profound manner, my place in the universe.

So often we allow ourselves to be drawn into this world-bound, time-locked existence where the small seems to be much bigger.

But when I am reminded, like last year, that we are a part of something much larger and more complex than we can comprehend, I find my perspective is changed, and the things which trouble me are reduced in comparison.

In experiencing the eclipse, I felt part of something greater. Strangely, this did not make me feel smaller, but reminded me that I am a component of a much larger whole, and that somehow soothes my soul.

I felt a sense of community with the whole human race, which brought a joy to my soul that few things can match. A friend of mine wrote that the eclipse was for him a ‘spiritual experience’, and I know how he feels.

While the universe can be a difficult place in which to reside, I am comforted by the realization that there is so much more out there than the small things which unbalance me day to day.

Whatever your belief about the origins and ongoing nature of this universe in which we reside, I hope you find strength and perspective when you look up into the sky.

We are a part of something greater than we can possibly imagine.

And that gives us value.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: I Have Value

I have value despite my imperfections.

I wrote a while ago about Kintsugu, the Japanese art and philosophy of mending pottery with gold, which actually increases its value.

I have been meditating recently on the self belief that my imperfections decrease my value.

I believe this flows out of my addiction to Binaryism, making black or white choices out of gray data. When did I learn this addiction?

As children in school, we are taught in logic, mathematics, grammar and the rigid construct of the multiple choice answer.

Rarely are we instructed in the arts of philosophy, introspection and compassion. We are taught to look for the right answer, when in reality more truths in our world are articles of opinion rather than elements of facts.

But in our search for answers, we often forgo a truth of complexity for a lie of simplicity.

We force our opinions to conform to a rigid standard, instead of deciding to find beauty, value and depth in the chaos and imperfection of the human soul.

I have come to realize that my self-perceived imperfections are sometimes those things that allow me to be of value to others.

My introspection, born out of a desire to understand the demons which beset me, has given me answers that have cleared the path for others. My will, which has been forged in the chaos of my despair, has created a mechanism for determination despite obstacles.

My imperfections have caused me pain, sadness and frustration, yet they have also led to some of my greatest opportunities to serve others, which is becoming an overwhelming passion in the days of my life.

So I am forced to accept my imperfections as a part of the whole which I believe gives me value.

Although I question that, because that suggests that I think that value exists only because of what one does, not because one is.

But that, I feel, is a topic for another day.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: The Error in My Expectations

As I ponder my relationship with others around me, I realize that I tend to have expectations of people that are often not met. This is often a cause of sadness for me, and in going deeper I am reaching the conclusion that my expectations are often irrational, self serving and based solely on my unfulfilled needs.

Worst of all, my expectations are often a form of transactional living, where I am placing a requirement on someone else to do something or act in a way which they have not implicitly agreed, oftentimes which they don’t even know about it.

Expecting others to act a certain way in order to fill the gaps in my soul in effect reduces them in my mind to an object, someone who needs to act in a certain way in order for me to feel a certain thing. This in turn places a burden upon them, which they do not deserve.

I realize that in living this way, I am not honoring them as a person who has their own divine spark, their own consciousness, and the freedom to live as they want. Expecting someone to provide support for one of my essential human needs, without them having agreed to do so, is to devalue the relationship that I could have with them.

Perhaps in all of my judging, I can find a space in my soul to truly examine why I have these expectations. If I am truly trying to serve someone else, and give without expecting, then I should be grateful for their presence in my life however they choose to participate in my ongoing experience.

Expectations are antithetical to gratitude. Expectations destroy my peace in what is, forever reaching for that which is not and may never be.

If I am honest with myself, my expectation for them is often a manifestation of a need that I have not yet balanced within my soul. My responsibility is to do that in a way that respects others, not reduces them.

And that is not easy.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@losingtowin120

Morning Reflection: Feeling Powerless

You only fear that over which you have no power.

My oldest son nearly died on his very first day of life. A few hours after I was blessed to help deliver him, a congenital heart defect was trying to kill him.

And there was nothing I could do.

I realized today that I have never overcome that feeling of being powerless.

To this day, I am still haunted by the realization that I could do nothing to help my son. I was at the mercy of others, dependent on someone else to do that which I could not.

I was nearly moved to tears today at the realization that what I fear most is being powerless. Unable to stand against that which assails me, unable to move in the face of an onslaught.

Powerlessness is my fear, the ghost which haunts my peace and troubles my soul in the quiet moments.

Yet in the end, we all face things against which we have no power. It is one of the similarities of the human condition, a reality that should unite us, even though often our fear will divide us.

For some it’s change, for some it’s the loss of something, for others, it’s the knowledge of their own weakness. Although our situations may differ, our experiences of feeling powerless are essentially the same.

In that moment, when we are faced with something we fear, it is important that we don’t stand alone. For while our souls may be separate, our fears and troubles can be a source of unity, strength, courage and conviction.

My hope is that I will be better at reaching out, lifting and helping others. As I struggle with my purpose, I desire to help others. Not for some eternal reward, and not for the praise of men, but simply because I desire to reduce the suffering that is present in the human condition.

Life is often cruel, but we must not be.

From the truth of the man I aspire to be… “Never cruel nor cowardly. Never give up, never give in”.

Kindness.

Always.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: The Caustic Effects of Childhood Criticism.

As I continue to deconstruct my demons, I have become more aware of my critical self talk. Often this is subconscious, barely noticed, at the periphery of awareness. Only by listening carefully and analyzing constantly have I been able to come to understand the deeper layers of my thoughts.

There is a saying that essentially says “The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice”. Learning to listen objectively to my inner voice has enabled me to change behaviors that have been lifelong habits, but also question where these voices came from. I have become aware that many of these inner voices are in fact a conglomeration of various criticisms that were leveled at me as a child.

Children are unable to objectively reason through caustic, unnecessary criticism and see into the truth of a flawed, human parent trying their best but failing at that time. Children internalize cruelty at an emotional level, and its caustic effects can last a lifetime.

If we really want to change the world, we need to start with the hearts of our children, and this starts by treating them better. If we sow kindness, we can reap compassion; if we sow patience, we can reap wisdom; and if we sow values, we will eventually reap nobility of the soul.

The way we treat our children is the vibration we give to the world.

And that is a humbling responsibility.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Who do you blame?

Who do you blame?

As I journey through the paradox of my heart, mind and soul I encounter both helpful and harmful behaviors, those which uplift and those which demean.

Recently I have become aware of my tendency to want to assign blame and I have realized that often times my compassion is found wanting as I turn again and again to reactive blaming.

The truth is that blame is rarely a mature response to a situation. Blame does not soften the heart or console with compassion the accused, but instead it relieves us of our own responsibility and allows us to escape ownership.

Mostly, blame is just another way to satisfy my ego. If it’s somebody else’s fault, then I am protecting myself. Too often I find myself wrapping my soul in the judgment of others to escape an assessment of myself.

The biggest problem with blame is that it stops you looking beyond where the blame stops. Who is to blame for all of the troubles in my life? Is it my father, is it his father, is it Hitler who started a war which took my grandfather away from my father and destroyed their relationship, leaving my father emotionally unable to have a relationship with me. Where does the blame end? Where does the fault begin? This is a rabbit hole I have wasted far too much time going down, because there is no end, and no benefit to it.

I feel that in order to rid myself of blaming others, I must act with greater compassion for myself as well as others. Only when I extend compassion to myself will I end my addiction of self judgment and self protection, and in doing so find compassion for others.

Blame is not empowering emotion. It stifles the soul, hardens the heart and enlarges the ego. If blame is left unchecked, compassion finds no place to grow in our heart and we lose the chance to be connected to ourselves and to others.

So in order to stop blaming, and find compassion for others, I have to extend compassion to myself.

And that is a much more difficult proposition than I realized.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: The Resonance of Purpose

The resonance of purpose.

Sound resonates, wine glasses resonate, and energy resonates. So, I’ve discovered, does purpose.

As I step into the uncertainty of what I believe my purpose can be, I am learning to listen more intently to my thoughts and feelings.

As someone who probably should be diagnosed with ADD, listening to my inner thoughts can often be exhausting.

But the more I try to quiet my life so that I can better hear the sound of my purpose, I am achieving a greater clarity. This is not to imply that I know where things are going, quite the opposite, but at the times when my planning and performance intersect with my purpose, there is a greater degree of resonance.

That manifests in curious ways, such as the knowledge of the right words that will open the floodgates of joy for someone, or helping another person cross a difficult emotional bridge.

Over the last year it has been a humbling privilege to have been of assistance to people, using what I believe are my true gifts, to assist them in finding direction in their struggles and challenges.

Resonance, I have come to understand, is the guidepost to purpose. When a situation resonates, when my gifts and skills align with my desire to help others, and I feel that deep sense of purpose resonate within me, that is the Universe beckoning me onward. To lift, to serve, to inspire.

I have spent the last 30 years of my life trying to understand myself, sometimes pushing through despair and sadness, feeling like I was lost. I still don’t know where I am going, but I feel like I am moving forward.

And for now, that has to be enough. I would prefer to know my destination, but instead I will try for humility to accept my current progress, to serve where I am, and the courage to take the next steps on this journey.

Where are you going?

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc