Morning Reflection: You have to face, and feel, your feelings

You have to face, and feel, your feelings.

We all have feelings we like to feel. Feelings like joy, happiness, excitement, love and comfort to name just a few. Those are the emotions that make life worth living.

But we also have to deal with the other type of emotions, like loss, loneliness, frustration, pain and shame. Those are the emotions that hurt, and make us wish for a change in how we feel.

How do you avoid your negative feelings?

For me, for a long time, it was food. That’s how I ended up morbidly obese, and closer to death than I want to admit. But that wasn’t my only ‘coping mechanism’. I would also become angry at myself, preferring the pain of self loathing rather than the pain of someone else being angry or disappointed in me.

Last night, I had an occasion to face a negative feeling, rather than try to run from it, or busy myself in something else to forget it. The negative feeling was sadness, after I failed to follow through on something that someone very dear to me asked of me. It wasn’t something earth shattering, but it made that person feel unappreciated.

But this time, rather than get angry with myself, or get quiet and withdraw, I made the conscious decision to allow the feeling to exist, and feel how it felt. No avoidance, no rationalization, nothing to try to ameliorate the feeling of acknowledging that I let someone down.

And it didn’t feel good at all. But I lived.

Growth comes when we stop avoiding our feelings, and learn from them.

Growth comes when we accept that things might hurt for a while, but we don’t try to dull that pain with other measures.

Growth comes when we take a deep breath, and allow the truth of who we are to wash over us, and bathe us in the emotions that can change us.

Like the small flower that struggles to pierce the earth to find the sunlight, or the child who struggles to walk despite falling again and again, we too can struggle through and learn from our painful emotions if we will but face them, feel them and find the strength to change through them.

Running from your emotions never solves the problem.

The only way out is through.

Go through it. You can do this.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Failure is not an option, it is a requirement

Failure is not an option, it is a requirement.

Often as I talk with people about their goals, dreams and aspirations, the concept of failure is the quiet unspoken monster lurking behind their words. What happens if I try and it doesn’t work out? What would people say about me, how will I feel?

The fear of failure has killed more dreams and stifled more aspirations than actual failure ever has. In my life, I have allowed fear of failure to enslave me and prevent me from trying and achieving.

But it’s rarely the actuality of failure that we are afraid of. That’s simply something “not working out”. What we fear is what that failure would ‘mean about us’, and how it would affect our sense of significance and worth.

Where did this harmful and destructive belief come from? Anyone who has ever become great at anything has failed many times over. Why don’t we celebrate the effort, the intent, the willingness to risk and the acceptance of the possibility of things not working out?

Because we are afraid of judgment, both others and our own.

Because somewhere in our societal evolution, we accepted the lie that not achieving some arbitrary standard said something about who we are as a person.

Because we ourselves have adopted the falsehood that our worth is measured by what we achieve.

How would your life be different if you built failure into your plans? I am trying to do this now. As I evolve through my journey, I am beginning to plan for failure, which is just simply things ‘not working out’.

If I plan for things to not work out, then I can accept that risk easier, knowing that it doesn’t say anything about me, but is simply a reflection of the reality that things can go wrong, and sometimes do.

Changing ‘failure’ to ‘not working out’ is a small shift of language, but a powerful release of energy into the channel of your dreams and aspirations.

How has this fear held you back, and what can you change with this small understanding?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: The dead are never really gone from us.

The dead are never really gone from us.

A few months ago, I had the privilege of a phone conversation with a wonderful lady who was trying to work through a problem. She was willing to talk with me to see if I could offer a different perspective, and in a conversation that lasted over an hour, we were able to identify a possible cause of pain and resistance.

Together, we understood that although a family member of hers had passed on, she was still in a psychological relationship with that family member because of some of the things that were said and done by that person. The relationship was not a completely peaceful one, and even now, years after the person’s passing, was still affecting my friend deeply.

Over this last weekend, I was privileged to help another person, someone who has had a very hard time adapting to the death of a family member. As we talked together, she came to the realization that some of her deep anger and frustration was because of the loss of the way that family member had made her feel.

She had felt unconditional love from this family member, which was not necessarily what she felt from others in her family. As we talked, it became clear to us that a significant portion of her being ‘stuck’ in her anger was because of the loss of that unconditional love. Understanding this will hopefully help her process through this a little easier now.

This post was almost titled “The dead never leave us”. In truth, we maintain psychological relationships with those who have passed on, good or bad. They may be relationships that are a source of strength, or they may be relationships that continue to hurt us, even though the person is no longer actively hurting us. Mostly, these ongoing relationships are subconscious based, whispering to our souls in a language we understand, but fail to put into words in our conscious mind.

Understanding those relationships, and working through acceptance and forgiveness, can eventually lead us to a peaceful relationship with those who have gone before us. This can be a freeing, powerful and uplifting experience.

Although the dead may have gone onwards, they live in our hearts and especially in our minds.

I think I will write more about this tomorrow. There are things that need to be said and understood.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@losingtowin120

Morning Reflection: Question without judgment, question for progress.

Question without judgment, question for progress.

As I continue this journey into my heart, mind and soul, I realize that although I become more aware of my thoughts by questioning, even the questions I ask myself are often limiting.

These questions are often imbued with judgment, which in turn restricts my answers, and continues to create barriers to even the process of self examination.

In the beginning my questions were loaded with self loathing, in such terms as “why am I so stupid’, or my all time favorite ‘why does God hate me so much that he keeps doing this to me”. The former victimizes myself, and the latter takes solace in the palace of victimhood, wherein I cannot be expected to take any action because after all, someone else is to blame (anyone, as long as it was not me).

Eventually, my questions became more mature, and I came to an initial level of acceptance of who I was. My questions reflected this progression, by changing to a questions of why. “Why do I act this way?” or “Why do I have a pattern of this behavior?” Over time, as I became more adept at reading myself, I began to find answers, which inevitably led to more questions. From the wisdom of the Bene Gesserit (from the book ‘Dune’ by Frank Herbert) we ultimately learn that it is how we navigate between our questions that determines our eventual destiny. Still, some of those questions are loaded with judgment, which in turns increases my burdens and slows my progression.

But now I feel that my questions are beginning to shift again. Now, along with the introspective Why, which still has so much value, I find myself starting to ask a new question, a question of process…How?

How do I make a difference in the world? How can I be a better servant? How can I lift others and use the talents and knowledge with which I have been entrusted?

For it is not sufficient to gain knowledge; I must apply that knowledge to gain wisdom.

How is process, how is growth. How forces me out of my comfort zone, where I have lived far too many years, and bids me take my place in the ever evolving future of possibility.

How makes me accept who I am, and assume the responsibility of who I can become.

How is powerful, how is scary.

How am I doing?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc