Morning Reflection: Onions Have Layers

Onions Have Layers.

If you’ve ever seen the original Shrek movie, you’ll probably remember the scene where Donkey is trying to understand Shrek’s motives, and can’t see past the simple fact of Shrek being an Ogre.

In his attempt to explain that he’s not just a village-destroying-monster, Shrek attempts to explain to Donkey that Ogres, like onions, have layers.

A fact which bypasses Donkey completely, because he doesn’t have many layers.

I’m been thinking about that recently because human beings, like onions and ogres apparently, have layers. Your own awareness of the different layers of your soul is probably the most valuable piece of knowledge you will ever come to own.

Sometimes we come across those layers as we journey with intention into the deeper parts of ourselves, but usually it’s because life throws us something that peels back the veneer of our supposed ‘normality’ and reveals to us things ‘further in’ that we had no idea where there.

Or behaviors that we thought were firmly in the past.

In this strange time in which we live, where a virus too small to see can bring civilization to a halt, we’re all experiencing pressures and a peeling back of the layers to show what is underneath.

I watched my two sons almost get into an argument last night, which very rarely occurs in our house. I can see how the pressure of confinement is peeling back their layers, as small things that would usually not bother them suddenly annoy them in ways that they did not expect.

But it’s not just restricted to them.

With the pressures of trying to run a small business in this very strange economy, and practice my profession in a way that keeps both my patients and my family safe, I find my own layers coming apart, and have seen in myself some attitudes that I thought I have moved beyond.

In some ways it is disheartening to think that something that I had already taken care of was, in fact, still within me, just awaiting some time and some increased pressure.

Which is essentially what we’re all in – a pressure cooker.

And it would be easier if we knew when the pressure was going to end. Several years ago my wife had to undergo a medical procedure that while only lasting a few seconds, was incredibly painful.

A kind and wonderful nurse counted down for her during the procedure, giving my wife the sense of hope as she realized that this too would pass, and she knew she really had to hold on for a few more seconds.

None of us have that right now. None of us know when this is going to end, or even what that end is going to look like.

So today I would ask you to extend patience and forgiveness to yourself as well as everyone around you. We are all fighting the same battle right now; fear of what we do know, and a greater fear of what we don’t.

Each of us in our own way experiences that terror differently, as we peel back the layers, exposing things which we thought we had dealt with; emotions we thought we had passed.

And it can be really disappointing to realize that we haven’t.

If you find yourself stuck in that frustration, may I offer you the perspective of understanding that this time is actually a powerful opportunity for growth if you can forgive yourself these momentary lapses, and learn from the emotions that you feel.

As I have written before, your reactions to situations are the guideposts to your progression: if only we will learn, if only we will follow.

And sometimes it’s the very reactions that are pulled from you against your will that show you the deeper paths you yet have still to walk.

So treat yourself kindly, and know that all of us in our own way are fighting the same battle. Some days we are winning, some days not so much.

But we are all in this together.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Choose a different window

Choose a different window.

Everything in life comes down to our perspective, our own window, or our point of view. What we see today as a truth may very well be understood to be an error when we look back at it from tomorrow. History is replete with examples of this.

But so too are our own lives. Yesterday, in a moment of ego, I left a comment on a post on Facebook, which angered someone greatly, and he left a reply that was obviously full of frustration. When I initially read his comment, I felt my soul shift into what I can only describe as ‘battle mode’, and I immediately began composing my responses, none of which were true to my highest ideals of being a peacemaker.

But in that first moment, I didn’t want peace, I wanted vengeance. I wanted superiority. I wanted to use every ounce of whatever talent and intellect I possess to crush his argument (and his ego) into pieces. He’s not someone I know, and he had treated me in a way that I felt was inappropriate, unkind and rude.

This is not the person I aspire to be, but this is who I am if I allow myself to be that person.

Thankfully, it took a couple of minutes, but I was able to exercise some humility and try to see it from his window, his point of view.

And so I apologized. Not because I thought my argument doesn’t have merit, but because he was right when he said I could have done better. Could he have phrased his reply more kindly, sure. Are there things that he said that I feel were incorrect, yes. Would we necessarily see eye to eye on this topic were we ever to meet, I honestly don’t know.

But my apology to him brought forth an apology from him. Neither of us were seeing it from each other’s point of view, and we both asked for forgiveness, which was given. Good wishes were exchanged, and each of us grew a little closer to kindness.

In order to be a peacemaker, we have to be willing to give up our own window, and see things from someone else’s point of view, so that we may search for truth together, rather than trying to pull each other down.

Peace requires humility. Yesterday I was able to find some. It doesn’t always happen. I am so grateful that the other person in this equation was able to reply from a place of humility. He helped me more than he can know.

Wherever you are today, I implore you to find someone with whom you disagree, and make an effort to reach out and try to understand them.

The only way we will have peace in this world is when we strive for it.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: The dead are never really gone from us.

The dead are never really gone from us.

A few months ago, I had the privilege of a phone conversation with a wonderful lady who was trying to work through a problem. She was willing to talk with me to see if I could offer a different perspective, and in a conversation that lasted over an hour, we were able to identify a possible cause of pain and resistance.

Together, we understood that although a family member of hers had passed on, she was still in a psychological relationship with that family member because of some of the things that were said and done by that person. The relationship was not a completely peaceful one, and even now, years after the person’s passing, was still affecting my friend deeply.

Over this last weekend, I was privileged to help another person, someone who has had a very hard time adapting to the death of a family member. As we talked together, she came to the realization that some of her deep anger and frustration was because of the loss of the way that family member had made her feel.

She had felt unconditional love from this family member, which was not necessarily what she felt from others in her family. As we talked, it became clear to us that a significant portion of her being ‘stuck’ in her anger was because of the loss of that unconditional love. Understanding this will hopefully help her process through this a little easier now.

This post was almost titled “The dead never leave us”. In truth, we maintain psychological relationships with those who have passed on, good or bad. They may be relationships that are a source of strength, or they may be relationships that continue to hurt us, even though the person is no longer actively hurting us. Mostly, these ongoing relationships are subconscious based, whispering to our souls in a language we understand, but fail to put into words in our conscious mind.

Understanding those relationships, and working through acceptance and forgiveness, can eventually lead us to a peaceful relationship with those who have gone before us. This can be a freeing, powerful and uplifting experience.

Although the dead may have gone onwards, they live in our hearts and especially in our minds.

I think I will write more about this tomorrow. There are things that need to be said and understood.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@losingtowin120

Morning Reflection: Who are you angry with?

Why I can’t let it go.

I had a revelation today, that answered a question I have been struggling with for a long time. Specifically, why do I remain angry at certain people in my life, and why can’t I let it go and move on?

I know that holding on to anger affects me negatively, and I try my best between meditation and life changes to release these feelings, but some stubbornly remain.

When I view anger at someone else through the lens of my 6 human needs, I find that it meets at least 3 of those needs. In being angry, I achieve my significance need by looking at the way I was treated, and feeling like a victim. But in addition, and this only came to me this weekend while teaching a class of 14 year olds who said that they struggle with forgiveness, I’ve realized that being angry at someone allows me to continue a relationship that for some reason I would like to perpetuate, even if the relationship was in some ways painful.

And further, I’ve realized that by being angry, it allows me to control the parameters of the ongoing relationship in a way that probably prevents me from being hurt again, which is a form of certainty.

So by not forgiving someone, I am able to supply my needs of certainty, significance and connection. It is said that any action that meets three of our needs will become an addiction if we do not take steps to control it.

So if I am to learn to more effectively forgive, I must learn to become self sufficient in my own needs.

And that is so much harder than I thought possible.

Who are you angry with?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc