Morning Reflection: Onions Have Layers

Onions Have Layers.

If you’ve ever seen the original Shrek movie, you’ll probably remember the scene where Donkey is trying to understand Shrek’s motives, and can’t see past the simple fact of Shrek being an Ogre.

In his attempt to explain that he’s not just a village-destroying-monster, Shrek attempts to explain to Donkey that Ogres, like onions, have layers.

A fact which bypasses Donkey completely, because he doesn’t have many layers.

I’m been thinking about that recently because human beings, like onions and ogres apparently, have layers. Your own awareness of the different layers of your soul is probably the most valuable piece of knowledge you will ever come to own.

Sometimes we come across those layers as we journey with intention into the deeper parts of ourselves, but usually it’s because life throws us something that peels back the veneer of our supposed ‘normality’ and reveals to us things ‘further in’ that we had no idea where there.

Or behaviors that we thought were firmly in the past.

In this strange time in which we live, where a virus too small to see can bring civilization to a halt, we’re all experiencing pressures and a peeling back of the layers to show what is underneath.

I watched my two sons almost get into an argument last night, which very rarely occurs in our house. I can see how the pressure of confinement is peeling back their layers, as small things that would usually not bother them suddenly annoy them in ways that they did not expect.

But it’s not just restricted to them.

With the pressures of trying to run a small business in this very strange economy, and practice my profession in a way that keeps both my patients and my family safe, I find my own layers coming apart, and have seen in myself some attitudes that I thought I have moved beyond.

In some ways it is disheartening to think that something that I had already taken care of was, in fact, still within me, just awaiting some time and some increased pressure.

Which is essentially what we’re all in – a pressure cooker.

And it would be easier if we knew when the pressure was going to end. Several years ago my wife had to undergo a medical procedure that while only lasting a few seconds, was incredibly painful.

A kind and wonderful nurse counted down for her during the procedure, giving my wife the sense of hope as she realized that this too would pass, and she knew she really had to hold on for a few more seconds.

None of us have that right now. None of us know when this is going to end, or even what that end is going to look like.

So today I would ask you to extend patience and forgiveness to yourself as well as everyone around you. We are all fighting the same battle right now; fear of what we do know, and a greater fear of what we don’t.

Each of us in our own way experiences that terror differently, as we peel back the layers, exposing things which we thought we had dealt with; emotions we thought we had passed.

And it can be really disappointing to realize that we haven’t.

If you find yourself stuck in that frustration, may I offer you the perspective of understanding that this time is actually a powerful opportunity for growth if you can forgive yourself these momentary lapses, and learn from the emotions that you feel.

As I have written before, your reactions to situations are the guideposts to your progression: if only we will learn, if only we will follow.

And sometimes it’s the very reactions that are pulled from you against your will that show you the deeper paths you yet have still to walk.

So treat yourself kindly, and know that all of us in our own way are fighting the same battle. Some days we are winning, some days not so much.

But we are all in this together.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Questions that Bind Us

The Questions that Bind Us.

I’ve been watching a new show recently, trying to keep my mind occupied and distracted from everything that’s going on right now.

Yet as often happens when we try to run from our fears, we end up running straight into something that makes us confront them and face them, or at least think a whole lot more about what we’re running from.

And I wondered how it is that in my attempt to avoid, I find the same questions in front of me.

Then it struck me, as I sat there binge-watching a show in an admittedly futile attempt to keep my mind off of the pain and sadness that surrounds us right now, that it’s not that the questions are unique to me.

The questions that we are asking are in a way universal to us as humans, as people, as a thinking consciousness that is aware of time and the universe.

These are the questions that drive us, if we dare to ask them.

It’s almost as though the price of being human is to ask the questions, to ponder and to wonder. Sure, some find refuge and comfort in answers that are given by others, and if that’s you, know that I am happy for you, and yet somewhat jealous.

But in the end, there are always going to be more questions than there are answers, and what really matters are the questions we choose to ask, and the direction those questions take us.

And it’s by asking the questions that we make a meaningful impact in the lives of others.

Because meaning is what we’re all searching for. We’re driven by this insatiable need to find a sense of certainty in everything, so that somehow, someway, all the chaos and uncertainty of living in this temporal universe can fit into some nice understandable box.

If we can draw meaning, and find some pathway through our lives that aligns us with some grand purpose, than it speaks to us that our lives have not been in vain, our experiences have not just been random.

Because in finding a meaning, we somehow find a sense of value, a sense of worth.

Which is, in its own way, the ultimate distraction. If we are dependent upon meaning, then we are still locked into a value based paradigm, where we seek some way to enhance our own sense of being more than ‘just human’, more than ‘just alive’. It's as if we needed some additional adornment to the incredible wonder of consciousness, the majesty of awareness, and the nobility of just being alive.

The questions that bind us together, are also the questions that bind us to the limiting pathways in which we walk.

Now I’m not saying that it isn’t good to ask questions, because it is. I’m not even saying that you shouldn’t try to make your kinder, or gentler, because you can if you wish. I’m not saying here that you can’t have a sense of the nature of reality that aligns you with the deity or the concept of your choice. You can absolutely do all of those things.

As long as you realize that your value doesn’t depend on any of those things.

In my life I have asked many questions, and I hope that I will get to ask many more. But I’m trying to ask the questions without needing to take a sense of value from the answers, so that I might filter the results that come back to me without any intervention or shading from my own needs.

Because in the end, the answers that I choose need to be the ones that I believe are correct, in the absence of any personal bias, prejudice or desire.

Only then, will the questions yield answers that will make sense.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: How do you know when it’s time to walk away?

How do you know when it’s time to walk away?

Have you ever had to walk away from someone? Unfortunately, this happens to most of us at some point in our lives. We have the misfortune to find someone who is so toxic to us that there is no middle ground, no way to breach the gulf between us.

No matter how hard we try, there is no explanation that will magically unlock their understanding, and bring into balance the interactions between us.

It may be due to their extreme emotional needs, or a wound to their self image that has never healed, or it may just be that their understanding of how the world works is so fundamentally different from our own that for our emotional self protection we have to disengage and depart.

Often we will feel some measure of guilt for this. That is natural, especially if you are the kind of person who tries very hard to be compassionate to the feelings of others.

But sometimes, you just have to walk away. From the person, from the drama, from the emotional battery that accompanies their presence in your life.

Walking away does not make you a bad person. When you have honestly tried, and there is still no balance that works for you, then you have the right to protect yourself.

Too often, in an attempt to try to heal a previous relationship, we persist in a current one far too long, hoping at a deep subconscious level that we can somehow put right what once went wrong.

When the time comes, the kindest thing you can do is just walk away. For you, for them, a clean break is often the best. Give yourself time to mourn the loss of what you hoped this could be, but don’t spend your time dwelling on the past.

You only have a finite time here, so use the time that you have in the best way possible.

Be kind to yourself, and find the balance that allows you to be kind to others.

And you can find peace.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: What do you do when you are out of balance?

What do you do when you are out of balance?

This week has been tough for me, in that I have had so many competing concerns that I don’t really feel like I’ve given proper attention to anything, except writing my reflections.

But even that has been challenging, as I have struggled to find the right words, sometimes even the right topics for each day. I have probably spent more time staring at the screen in frustration than actually writing, and more time writing reflections that I have eventually erased than I have working on the ones that have made it onto the page.

As I reflect on the truth of my life right now, I find that I am out of balance. My meditation practice this week has been neglected, my personal development has been less focused, and my spiritual life has been given less priority than it should.

In short, I have spent too much time on meeting demands instead of nourishing my dreams, and far too much time focused on my fears, instead of strengthening my foundation.

I constantly struggle with putting my needs before the needs of others. Do you do this?

Partly this is out of a desire to serve, to make a difference. Partly this is out of fear that if I stop giving to others, I will lose those connections as I will no longer be of any worth to them.

But mostly, it is because somewhere in my childhood I generated the belief that I am not important, and that I only have worth when giving to others.

And that belief leads to a loss of balance.

While the needs of others are important, I have to realize that I too am worthy of my compassion, my concern and my caring.

Caring for others, out of a misguided belief that I have little to no worth, hinders my ability to enlarge my soul and progress into the person I am trying to become.

So I struggle everyday to find the right balance, but I know that I must get back to my foundational behaviors if I am to have a stable platform on which to progress.

How do you balance yourself when you are not in alignment?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Do you struggle being kind to yourself?

Do you struggle being kind to yourself?

Over the years of my journey into self awareness, I think I have slowly become kinder to others. I have always tried to treat other people well regardless of how I feel about them, but deep in my heart there was often judgment instead of compassion, and coldness where there could have been warmth.

But the further I have walked into my journey of awareness, the greater a depth of compassion I have found for people. I can see, or at least I think I can see, why they sometimes behave in ways that are not their best selves.

Like someone who cannot keep a secret, who is in actuality lonely and looking for ways to connect; or a person who only contacts me when they need something but who is really suffering from a deep well of personal insignificance; or another person who continually grasps at money even though they have sufficient for their needs but who is actually seeking to fill a deep personal wound of feeling less than everyone else.

As I see their patterns, and I understand how their wounds precipitate their actions, I find that I am moved by compassion to have less frustration at their behaviors, and instead a greater patience and willingness to forgive.

This is still hard for me, but I can say with honesty that I am getting better at being kinder to other people.

Yet I still struggle immensely with self kindness, and self compassion. Behaviors I can forgive in others are ones that I condemn myself for. The peace which I am able to help others achieve seems much harder to find for myself.

In short, I am my harshest critic, and my greatest source of condemnation.

But I have begun to find ways through this.

As I examine my own self stories, I have found ways to interject compassionate self talk into my judgments, and realize some small measure of change in the way that I see myself.

While there is still frustration, there is sometimes compassion; while there is still anger, sometimes there is love; while there is still a fervent desire to move forward to achieve what I believe I am capable of, there is occasionally a willingness to allow myself to rest.

Ultimately, peace is found through self acceptance, self compassion, and self love. If you are struggling with this, please don’t give up.

You are worth far more than you feel about yourself, and I truly believe that you have a part to play in our ongoing progression.

Be kind to yourself, and give yourself the gift of compassion.

You are worth it.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc